Letting Go

Back in November on our first Sunday since moving from Vancouver to temporary housing in Kirkland (before closing on our house) Brian and I visited a church. We had done extensive research on churches in our new area and we really liked this one and what it claimed to be. It seemed sound and we were very warmly greeted. After the sermon, we were surrounded by nice, welcoming people but one couple stuck out to us. We chatted with them about life and before we knew it the subject of kids arose. Brian and I told them about our adoption. (This was prior to being chosen.) The husband told us that they were eager to start a family, but that it just wasn't happening for them. They were casually interested in adoption, but felt no rush to jump into anything. Before leaving, Brian and the husband exchanged contact info and the four of us discussed getting together sometime. I so admired their peace and trust in God. (Baby fever is powerful!) I'll never forget the husband looking at me and saying with such surety, "It's all in God's hands and in His timing." I know God placed them in our life because at the time that was exactly the reminder I needed. (Ironically, as I write this I realize that I needed that same reminder again now.)

I was anxious to return the next Sunday but the church doesn't offer an evening service and Brian's work schedule at the time didn't allow us to attend church on Sunday AM, so realistically there was no point.

(After one failed attempt, the four of us never did manage to get together.)

We've spent the last almost 8 months struggling to find a church home. As of today, Brian's schedule has changed. He's been placed back on graveyard but this schedule allows Sunday morning church attendance, which is really exciting for us. Today we revisited that same church. It was everything I'd remembered it to be and we were happy to be back. The same couple noticed us walking into church and sat next to us in our pew. It was apparent that she is now pregnant. I spent the whole service jittery. I was overjoyed for them and I couldn't wait to hear their baby news. I wondered if they would inquire about our adoption, which made me nervous because I find it hard to talk about, but I decided I was emotionally stable and it would be fine. After church they told us they were expecting. Again my heart jumped. I asked when they were due, they quickly responded with big smiles and happy eyes, "August!" My heart fell. They are so happy. They waited patiently and God has answered their request. I wanted to rejoice with them. I wanted to tell them how excited I was when I saw her bump. I wanted to talk with them about the God we serve and his great faithfulness. All of which should have been easy to do but in my head I kept hearing, "I used to have an August baby too..."

Learning to Let Go.
There are so many little things that strike me as 'not right,' for lack of a better description.
Each time I enter the nursery I'm struck with the realization that yet again, it's time to adjust the plan. First we had planned out a single baby nursery. Then came Baby #2 and we switched rooms in order to allow enough space for two cribs. I developed a darling twin-ish plan and was well on the way to making it a reality when 'August' was removed from our life. Suddenly the room seems so big...too big...(which I am aware is funny because it isn't that big.)
When I look at the single crib, I think of it as belonging to 'August,' after all we purchased that crib back in Vancouver and tucked it away in the garage "for some day when our adopted baby came home." I'm working on accepting that God always knew who would sleep in that crib, even though I didn't.
It's hard for me to imagine placing just one crib and just one baby in the nursery, but I'll get there...

Hopes Dashed.
I had so many dreams for my babies. There were to be two, or so I thought. We were "Twice Blessed" as the upcoming baby shower invitation states so beautifully. They would grow up together. They would start out side by side in matching cribs and grow up sharing a room, toys, meals, baths, experiences. It was going to be so special. I couldn't imagine a better or more natural way to completely and fully integrate an adoption into a family. It seemed so perfect and I couldn't wait for it to be our family's story...


Blessed Truth.
We still have one baby. That's all we had asked for, after all, and God has granted our request.


Proof of Positive.
There is always a positive to be found. Sometimes you have to dig deep to discover it, but not this time. The undeniable positive brought about by all of this is that it has allowed me to enjoy the baby growing inside of me. Sadly, I now realize that I hadn't allowed myself to do so before. I was buried so deep in the adoption mindset that beyond taking prenatals, going to OB appointments, and growing a larger tummy, I wasn't giving my pregnancy, or more importantly our baby, the time of day. I thought it was a matter of prioritizing, I thought I was being logical. 'August' was coming first, I needed to think about, plan for, and fall in love with 'August.' What I didn't realize is that I was robbing Bio Babe of the love and preparation that he/she deserves just as much.

Anxious.
I'm anxious for time to take over and heal. I'm anxious for all these thoughts to lessen and fade and for babies due and born in August to simply be that, babies due and born in August, rather than a painful reminder. Ultimately 'August' is alive and well, safe and sound, and growing each day inside what has always been 'August's' mama. We won't get to meet, snuggle, care for, or love 'August,' but 'August' will be fine... I'm anxious to believe my own reassuring. 

I'm anxious to let go.

Lessons in Pack-Ratting

As of this afternoon, I've scored a couple new friends. Their names are Rick and Sue. Sue is the neice of our deceased neighbor. Sue's aunt (our former neighbor) passed away earlier this year. Recently her house was listed and sold within a short four days! Sue is currently wrapping up the big job of cleaning out her aunt's house in order to allow the new owners to move in.

I am pleased to announce, the following treasures are now in my possession.

I made a HAUL at (practically) the price of a STEAL.

 (What can I say, it pays to make new friends?! ;0 )

...Mmm, I love me some Thrifty Success. :)

Rocking chair, I look forward to sitting in you and loving...

~ Dashing Details ~

Pretty stoked about this retro mag holder. I'm excited for the day when it sits next to the rocking chair in future Wee One's room with children's books spilling out of it. :)

This will definitely reside on Wee One's wall. The little squirrel in this picture will forever remind me of our neighborhood squirrel that faithfully, everyday, runs the power lines in front of our house. :)

Sue's Grandpa Ed's very old, very worn plate, complete with his name on the back.

Many, many pretty linens.

A big, funky suitcase. The perfect prop for a future shoot...

Rick and Sue gave this one to me. They said it was a gift. For what I'm still not sure, but I sure do like it!

Knowing that my mom will cringe at every word I'm about to spout, I will spout nonetheless.

I want to be like Sue's aunt. Sue told me her aunt saved everything. Okay, okay, so maybe everything is excessive, but check this out!

Left over plates and napkins from her son, Sue's cousin's, birthday party back when he was a little boy.

Whoa. I love it.

Inspiration: That stray plate from my bridal shower that I've debated tossing, time and again. Today reminded me why I'm glad I've moved the darn, but pretty, paper plate to CA, back to WA, to our Lynden rental, and now to our Portland home. Someday, when it, too, is yellowed to perfection, I'll ever so tenderly show it to my grandkids and I'll tell them the stories that go with. "Did you know that my mom, your great grandma, dressed up in a wedding dress made of toilet paper and paraded around the house at my bridal shower?!" And that, dear mi maMa, is why I, in this category of life, choose to go against what you attempted to teach me.

Here's to hoping I get one grandkiddo as crazy as myself, who'll actually appreciate it...

Here's to selective pack-ratting!!!

Rick and Sue, thank you for being so wonderful. Thank you for taking an hour of your day to give me a house tour, talk about your aunt, share her things with me and tell me the story behind every item I chose. Thank you for making this, my first night without the hubs (who, as of today, began his new permanent placement on graveyard), better than I would have ever guessed it could be. I thought I'd be lonely. Well, I am, but for now, I'm blissfully distracted.

Life is full of little blessings, for that I give thanks.

~ Posted by this mama-to-be, from her "new" 75+ year old rocker.

PS Mom, I'm sorry!

A master minimalist I am not.

...I need a bigger house... :)

Well, it's official folks...

The not-so-anticipated graveyard that we've known was looming in our future has arrived. Tonight is Brian's 2nd of many night shifts to come, here in Portland.

As you can see, Brian and Finn had no problem fully embracing this sleeping during the day thing...but how long until the inevitable crabbiness takes place?

The positive:
I grew up with my dad working swing shift and Brian milked a couple nights a week on his dad's dairy throughout college. I know that night shift can (and will) make life upside down and backwards, however, we've both experienced it. This is good, it shouldn't be too much of a shocker for either of us...we hope. ;P

The negative:

I just settled into a schedule at work and I'm very happy with it except for the fact that it "perfectly" conflicts with Brian's. My hours range from open (4:30am) to mid afternoon (4:00pm-ish.) An average work day for me starts at 6am, give or take an hour or two. Brian's night shift begins at 6:00pm and ends at 6:00am. This is a bummer on days like today when I began work at 6am and got off in the afternoon. I got home, Brian took a nap to gear up for his night. We had dinner and Brian left at 5 something to head to work. Tomorrow morning Brian will get off at 6am and I'll be at work by 6:15am. We'll just miss eachother on the freeway.

More of the positive:

** I work at "The 'bux" and my particular store is barely off I-5 on Brian's way home. This allows him to stop for a quick morning hello before he heads for home, pulls the curtains closed and grabs some zzzzz's. (We'll see if he stops!?! ;)

** Brian has a great job for which I'm really thankful. Don't get me wrong, this didn't happen over night. It's taken months to reach this point. I'm finally calm enough to realize that this a blessing. We could still be living in Dad's and Mom's basement and Brian could be enduring an "in-between" job rather than appreciating a career that expands his knowledge and experience each day.

I'm thankful because... we're young and healthy. We don't yet have kids. We're not strapped for money. We_are_blessed. ...now I just have to remember this when Brian reaches that frustrating "graveyard stupor." My mom knows the one...

...when he says things that don't make any sense and he wonders why I'm confused.

...when he's short with me and he doesn't even realize it.

...when he gets so tired that he's dozing off in the most inopportune times and denies it to the death. :)

Bring it on, graveyard! We will keep our sanity, despite how you mess with us! ;)