Discovering your Existence

At 3am on a Sunday morning, following a couple of weeks of unexplained sleeplessness, I could no longer resist the urge. In an effort to stifle false hope and remain even keeled, I chose to think of taking a pregnancy test as eliminating the option. As it turned out, the only thing in need of elimination was my own doubt. It was true, 

there was a you!

At just 5 weeks you were said to be approximately the size of an appleseed. It sounds small now, but at the time there was something so significant about knowing that although you were tiny, you were already that big! That night we couldn't help ourselves. Your dad and I put Sanders to bed, cut open an apple, and gazed in utter wonderment. 

God has surely been gracious and blessed us with far more than we dared to request. So often we marvel at the fact that we have Sanders. We find ourselves saying, "I still can't believe he's ours!" We know he's a gift and although he's here in our arms and our home he belongs to The Giver. But still, at 13 months old, it's hard to wrap our heads around the tremendous love we have for our funny little fellow. The fact that we get two is totally overwhelming in the best imaginable way. 

We love you so much, little Appleseed.

Blogland Beckoned, I Reckon

For some really cool reasons I have made my way back to this, my wedge, my itsy bitsy corner of the web, to share with anyone still willing to read, or rather view, why life is beautiful these days.

1.) I'm pregnant! Again(!)

2.) I survived the first trimester! It surprised me by being more challenging this go round than it was with mr. Sanders so I feel it necessary to celebrate my return to functional humanity.

3.) My "baby," although far less babyish these days, has turned one.

4.) Before I realize I've blinked, I'll be keeping up with two littles and if I can't keep up documenting one, then, well...

5.) I'm anticipating what God has in store for us with much excitement but embracing today for the gift that it is.

Which is why it is my goal to go back through my little family's photos and begin to recap life (in abbreviated form) since I fell behind. Doing so is going to allow me the thrill of reliving and "re-loving" it all, from little moments when my camera happened to be handy, to many of Sanders' milestones.

Follow along, if you'd like. :)



* It's an understatement to say I'm an inconsistent blogger so if you're interested in catching updates as I'm able to post, be sure to subscribe! (See upper left column.)

Pregnancy: Obsessions & Aversions

I came across this list kept throughout my pregnancy. Reading it brought back vivid memories of days filled with fire-roasted hot dog cravings as well as landing myself back in bed (or on the bathroom floor) following every attempt to cook/bake with raw eggs. God was good to me, however, considering that although I spent plenty of time in the bathroom sure I was about to lose the contents of my stomach, I never actually did. I lost 8 lbs between my first and second OB appointments due to a dietary rotation consisting of Saltine's and Graham Crackers. Unfortunately, once over the initial queasy stage, I all too quickly made up for lost time. :)

OBSESSIONS
First Trimester:
Hot Dogs
Doughnuts

All the way throughout:
Boneless Hot Wings
Chipotle Chicken Burrito Bowls (with extra black beans and extra spicy salsa)
Dairy, any and all but especially cottage cheese. (Oh, and I no longer have time for nonfat milk. I've happily upgraded to 2%.)
Lemonade

AVERSIONS
First Trimester:
Eggs
Raw Banana Bread

All the way throughout:
Red Onions

RANDOM REPETITIVE CRAVINGS:
Melted Marshmallows (in coffee and hot chocolate)
Smoothies

2012 - It Isn't Every Year

Hop on over to Tessa's blog to read a great post about the gift of our sisterhood, our babies, and a uniquely memorable year.

2012 - It Isn't Every Year

Pregnancy Milestones & Memories.

I stumbled upon my pregnancy journal and wanted to post it before I misplace it or forget about it again. It's really just a list of random thoughts and reactions recorded throughout our pregnancy... It's fun for me to read and remember but I recorded it for Sanders. I hope he'll feel loved when he reads this someday, and that he gets a chuckle. :)

6 weeks: We found out we were pregnant with you on March 30, 2012. It took us a couple of days to start to truly believe in your existence. We also found out your Auntie Tess was pregnant. We were so excited.

15 weeks, 6 days: I felt you move for the first time. (It was a Sunday evening and we were in the car headed to church.) You felt like a little critter fluttering inside of me, just to the left of my belly button.

17 weeks: Your heart rate was 146. Some say faster means girl, slower means boy. I wonder what you are in there…

20 weeks: We got to watch you wiggle about for a whole 45 minutes. You were determined not to show us your face, but your spine, it was beautiful. ;) Dad says, “We found out you were a big one!”

21 weeks, 3 days: Dad felt you move through my tummy. It was the first time he’d ever felt a baby move in utero. He was stunned, speechless. Don’t tell him I told you, but I saw sweet, joyful tears in his eyes. :) It was obvious that, for the first time, he felt really connected to you.

25 weeks: At our OB appt the Dr. placed the doppler on my tummy and instantly your heartbeat was heard as well as a whole bunch of static, which meant that you were moving a lot! Within seconds you hit the doppler. When the Dr. moved it to a new place you hit it again. Each time she moved the doppler to a new location you would hit/kick it. The Dr. exclaimed, “Your baby’s chasing me!” It was your first human interaction. It was a proud moment for this first time mama.

28 weeks: We made it to the 3^rd trimester! Although I felt like there was still a lot to accomplish before your arrival, your dad was becoming very excited to meet you. We so look forward to seeing your face and holding you in our arms. I can’t wait to hear all your cute little sounds.

37 weeks: We went in for a growth ultrasound because you were measuring big. We found out that your abdomen measured 99% and your head 88%. You were estimated to weigh approximately 8.5 lbs. With 3(ish) more weeks to go, these were daunting numbers for your mama to hear.

Maternity Photos. 36.5 weeks.

Thanks to my lovely friend, Wendi, of theSNAPsisters Photography, for capturing the last days of our quiet couple-ness.

Sanders' Birth Story

On Tuesday, November 20, after 5 days of painful false labor I was at my whit’s end and exhausted as we drove to the hospital for my 40 week OB appointment. We arrived at our 10:30 appointment with plenty of tales of our none-too-pleasant last five days. My Dr. asked me how I was doing and I told her I was tired. To which she replied, (nicely, but honestly) “Yeah, you look it.” We listened to Babe’s heartbeat and she felt my tummy. I asked, “Do we have a 9 pounder in there?” She felt again and agreed that the baby was 9 pounds “or just under.” I’m quite positive, looking back, that she was lying. I really think she knew better, but wanted to avoid scaring me. I think she thought to herself, “This girl has a big job ahead of her, I’d better not let on just how big…” Keep in mind; this is the same lady who teased me often toward the end of my pregnancy by telling me that if I didn’t want to have big babies, I shouldn't have married someone that was 6’2.”

As the appointment concluded Brian and I were both anxious to hear the final verdict. We were determined not to be sent home. We didn’t want to have to gear up for another loooong, stressful night of me walking hundreds of circles through our little house, pacing the hallways, and taking multiple baths and showers in a desperate attempt to find some comfort while Brian timed my contractions.

My Dr. said we had two options. She would send us home with sleeping pills and I could take a nap, since I hadn’t slept more than 10 minutes the previous night. Or, we could go outside, walk for an hour (in an effort to get contractions hoppin’), and then…then(!), we could check into the maternity ward. We quickly opted for the second choice and practically scampered our tired selves out the door, down the elevator, and into the parking garage to begin walking! (It was raining, so we took shelter.) I’ve never walked with such purpose in my life. This was our last walk as a family of two! This baby was coming…today!

We reported to the maternity ward around noon. Brian sat calmly and I paced while we waited for our nurse to come fetch us. After what seemed a long time (but in actuality was only 15 minutes) we were admitted to our room. The nurses were supposed to start me on Pitocin right away but needed to first input all my medical information into their database. My nurse accidentally failed to input my allergy information and even though I have no known allergies to any medications, nothing could move forward until my allergy information was in the database. This seemingly small mistake ended up requiring long conversations between the nurses and IT and postponing the start of Pitocin by several hours. At this point my back pain was tremendous and I had spasms reaching up into my shoulders and neck. I had hoped to try my darndest for a natural labor and delivery but following five restless nights the thought of relief and maybe even a nap filled me with glee and I thought I might cry big, fat, happy tears of joy. Although I wanted an epidural, I didn’t quite have it in me to admit it because that to me seemed like giving up before starting, so Brian took the reigns and requested one for me. At 2:30 the anesthesiologist arrived and started the goodness flowing! Finally, at around 3:30 my Pitocin was started. Getting an epidural was the greatest decision. Brian said it was as if they had given me laughing gas. It brought me to realize that I hadn’t been comfortable for quite some time. I was so happy and so excited to meet our baby that I could hardly stand it.

Although the epidural brought great relief for me, my uterus was out of control. My contractions remained inconsistent and were lasting as long as 12 minutes without a break.

At our appointment that morning my Dr. had determined me to be completely effaced and dilated to 4.5 centimeters. Our nurse, Marge, was measuring me at 6 centimeters. When my Dr. came in around 5:00 to check on us, we were hoping to hear that we were dilated even further. However, she told us that we were still dilated to 4.5 centimeters. This was the first of subtle disagreements between our Dr. and nurse. Our Dr. said to up the Pitocin with the hope of regulating my contractions. Marge told us that even though our Dr. had said to up it every 15 minutes, she would only be doing so every 30 minutes for fear of putting too much stress on our baby. We were frustrated that she was refusing to move things forward as quickly as suggested by the Dr., but happy to hear of her concern for our baby. Ultimately, our baby’s safety was all we cared about and as long as I had the lovely epidural juices flowing through me, I really didn’t care how long I had to sit and wait, just as long as Babes arrived safe and sound.

Our Dr. returned around 7:15. She measured me at 6 centimeters and broke my water. (Talk about a strange, helpless, incontinent sensation!) Brian and I overheard the nurses muttering to one another about how they didn’t understand why our Dr. hadn’t done so earlier. I found it slightly unprofessional but mostly funny, thanks to my epidural. :) My water showed evidence that our baby had pooped, so it was determined that Babes would need to have extra observation at birth to ensure that no meconium had been consumed. Our Dr. reinforced to Marge that the Pitocin should be upped every 15 minutes. She looked Marge in the eye and with eyebrows raised said forcefully but reassuringly, “You have my full support.” It was as if she was really saying, “I know you haven’t been doing what I told you. Do it, Lady! Let’s get this show on the road.” In the meantime, as labor progressed, I was able to take a nap, thanks to my new best friend: the epidural. Brian and I watched part of the movie Elf, and my parents arrived. After my water was broken I was able to take another cat nap.

Around 9:00 Brian decided to go for a walk and get some fresh air with my dad. At 9:30(ish) just as my Dr. was about to leave our room, things turned south. Our baby’s heart rate dropped. I was asked to flip to my other side and when it didn’t help I was told to flip back. Nothing improved so an oxygen mask was placed over my face and I was helped to all fours. Our room quickly filled with extra medical staff. That’s when I realized that it was more than just a hiccup, it was a problem. All monitors were out of my line of vision; I couldn’t see anything but my hair as it hung over my face. I kicked myself for not having tied it back sooner. Our baby’s heart rate had yet to climb, and the word C-section was said. Brian returned nonchalantly part way into the fiasco. :) Even as I perched awkwardly on my noodle-y epidural legs atop the bed with medical staff hurriedly working around me, I had a peace about things. Somehow I was quite sure that everything was going to be okay. Plus, I knew that even if it wasn’t okay, it was out of my control. Looking back, it was so obviously God’s presence in our delivery room. An 8 minute eternity later, our baby’s heart rate began to climb. I was dilated to just shy of 10 centimeters and told that pushing would begin soon. First however, our baby needed time to rest. At 10:15 the pressure could no longer be ignored and pushing began. At 10:45 I exclaimed between contractions, “All those women who claim, ‘Oh, I pushed three times and out came my baby!’ they’re liars!” My Dr. told me that that’s how second babies are born. She then added, “Not that you want to think about Baby #2 right now.” :) At 11:45 I slapped my leg and told everyone in the room, including my extra audience of pediatric nurses waiting to inspect our baby upon arrival to make sure he hadn’t consumed any meconium, that I didn’t think I could get the baby out. I honestly thought I couldn’t do it. I thought I was going to have to quit. Within seconds our son was born. :) Shortly after, once he was determined healthy and in the clear of any poo ingestion, our Dr. and nurses and Brian shared a hearty laugh remembering what Brian has now dubbed my ridiculous exclamation, since it was obvious to each of them that our baby would be born in the next push.

Sanders Liam was born at 11:46pm on Tuesday, November 20, 2012. He made me a mama and already, just 17 days later, has fulfilled years worth of my hopes and dreams. Brian and I aren’t sure how, but every day we wonder if he’s become even a little bit cuter than the day before. We’re a little trio, madly in love.

Thanks be to God for granting us such an awesome gift!

SandMan, we waited for you and at last you've joined us! It.was.so.worth.it. We can’t imagine life without you. We also can’t imagine a more adorable or precious miracle. I still can’t believe God gave sweet little you to us! We are forever thankful.

Leading up to Labor.

Because God has given me the beautiful gift of a super sweet, surprisingly content baby, as well as an incredibly helpful husband, I am snatching up the opportunity while Little Man sleeps to record our eventful days (or shall I say more accurately, nights) leading up to labor. It already seems so long ago, but I'll do my best to record the craziness, as I'm able to remember it...

On Wednesday night, November 14, something changed. I felt altogether 'off' and my contractions became more noteworthy than the Braxton Hicks and activity-based contractions I'd grown accustomed to.
On Thursday morning, I went in to the Dr. for my 39 week appt. My Dr. stripped my membranes and I went home hopeful that labor would start soon but trying to remain guarded in case it didn't. Contractions began around 9:00p. They were intense and painful. I thought, "Alright! Let's do this!" At 1:00a, just as we were ready to leave for the hospital, the contractions began slowing down and eventually, all but went away.
On Friday we went for an extensive walk in the rain and Brian made me climb the humongous hill by our house, despite my already increasing contractions. I told him that he's most often very caring, but sometimes kind of slave driver-ish. (And in this case I didn't mean it as a compliment.) Again, we packed our last minute hospital items and were about to leave when my contractions began to slow.
I had contractions on Saturday and Sunday night as well, but they paled in comparison to the previous nights.

On Monday around 1:00p my contractions began again. At first they were fairly mild. By 9:00p I was in pain and contracting frequently, but still not consistently. I took 3 baths and 2 showers in an effort to get them to go away. Each time I lay down, the pain was unbearable, so rest was impossible.

[Birth Story to Follow]

Sanders' First Day

Our family of three.

Our visitors came bearing lots of cool things including Sander's first Carhartt from Grandpa Lawrence and Grandma B.

Gma B.

Gpa Al.

Gma Jane.

Auntie Tess.

Uncle Brian.

Sisters!

Life outside the womb is exhausting!

Somehow, unfortunately, we didn't get photo proof of Grandpa Lawrence and Aunt Barb having visited, but they came too. :) Thanks to each one of you for driving down just to meet our new little man. We loved having you!

Welcome, Sanders!

Born on his due date, Tuesday, November 20, at 11:46pm, our not-so-little Sanders Liam weighed in at 9lbs 9oz and measured 22in long. With him came so much joy, more than we can begin to describe.

Sanders, we love, love, love you! It's been a week since you arrived and we still can't believe God gave you to us! We are grateful every day for the overwhelming gift of you, our "Little Big." :)

Blessed to be Bumpin' It.39 Weeks

As you can see, we have a plenty big business going on. 

"Okay Babes, you can come now!" 

I keep wanting to coax this kid out but when I consider his/her current environment, I can't quite bring myself to say the things I'm tempted to. I want to tell BamBam that it's a big, beautiful world out here, but when I consider the perfect bubble that he/she is currently living in... Well, the big, bad world seems kind of cold. Sure, my arms are ready and we've been given more cute and cozy blankets than I can count, so warmth won't be a problem. Still though, the bubble inside my ever-growing tummy is just so perfectly regulated. As much as I want this baby out, who am I to argue with the comforts of the womb? 
Brian disagrees completely. He thinks it's plenty nice "out here" and he just can't understand why BamBam won't join us. Each day prior to leaving for work he asks the distance between my contractions. Upon hearing my always varying answers he looks at me as if I'm not telling him the truth and says "What do you mean they're not real?!" Someone is a tad bit excited to be a daddy... :)

BamBam, 

We are ready for you. We can hardly wait to see your face! Are your lips really so baby bird-ish, or were you just being a little ham? We're so excited to find out. Come play with us! 

Love, 

Your Anxious Mama

PS I know I said I was prepared to go over, but I changed my mind. Don't you dare go overdue, you little stinker! My mama heart doesn't think it could handle it...

Ready As We'll Be.

This past Thursday we went in for a growth ultrasound. Today was my 38 week appointment. We were anxious for our Dr.'s feedback as well as to hear if "things" are progressing. Life isn't as comfortable as it once was and the thought of meeting our baby (aka having this baby out) is growing significantly more glamorous with each passing day.

My belly button is as inside out and "outie" as a belly button can be. The nursery is in order. The birthing ball is my new chair. (Bouncing is the new sitting.) Our bedroom has been rearranged to allow the cradle within arm's reach. The lens has been ordered. (Thank you, Hubs!!!) The hospital bags are packed. The car seat is installed. 

Of course, there is more that could be done. More meals could be stockpiled. More diapers could be purchased. There are a few lingering sewing projects and, I'm sure, more Finn hair that could be vacuumed and mopped from the trim. But we are officially as ready as we can be.

Kangaroo, I Envy You.

As a senior in high school it seems everyone in the world wants to know what post-high plans are had, where one will attend college, and in what one will major. Once in college the question is what one plans to do with their degree and how quickly it will be accomplished. When an individual finds them self in what the surrounding population dubs a "serious" dating relationship, it seems everyone and their mother wants to know when a marriage proposal might be taking place. Once married, the question looms, "When babies?"

We live in a rushed society and a pressure-filled world. It can be good, but more often than not I find it frazzling.

Brian and I have survived the high school and college questioning, as well as our most challenging: the baby questioning. But there's a new question. "Are you ready?!!" everyone wants to know.

My answer: I don't know. 

I keep asking God to prepare me and I trust that He will, but that doesn't fix that when I walk into the nursery I'm not sure if I have whatever it is I'm supposed to have. I don't know if I'm ready to bring this baby home. At 37 weeks I know one thing for sure and that is the fact that I am not ready to get this baby out. As much as I sometimes would like to see and touch his/her face, or hold him/her in my arms, or put him/her down for a sec, I'm still not ready to be physically two units, instead of our current one. I like being joined, even when it means I can't walk(or sit, or stand, or cook, or do anything) because our baby is situated ever-so-inconveniently on top of my sciatic nerve. Even when I'm 7/8 of the way done vacuuming the house but I can't finish the last teeny tiny stretch of hallway because I can't move, even then I like that we're together. I cling to our constant togetherness. People tell me that things will change. They say I'll become frantic to get Babe out. Their expressions say so clearly, "Oh hun, just you wait, you've got another thing comin'!" I guess I'm not there yet. Perhaps that's my answer. Maybe I'm not ready.

All the uncertainty has led me to this realization: I'm jealous of kangaroos. I think I want a pouch. I'm excited for this baby to have a place to sleep/roll/kick box...etc. that isn't inside my body. I'm excited to put this little stinker down every now and then. But until God deems it time, I hope to continue to cherish this precious, quiet time. Until "go time" faces me, I envy those kanga mamas. They get to have their little 'roos out...and still pack 'em around "inside" of themselves whenever they so choose. How clever! Talk about the best of both worlds...

Blessed to be Bumpin' It. 36 Weeks.

(Photo taken with my friend, Linds, on my phone at 35.5 weeks.)

I had my 36 week appointment today. We are measuring "normal." (36 centimeters at 36 weeks.) My Dr. wasn't sure whether it was a head or a bum that she was feeling at the bottom of my belly so I was able to have another ultrasound. It had been a long time since our 20 week ultrasound and I was grateful to score another look inside myself. It was confirmed that BamBam is officially head down (good news!) and let me assure you, he/she is still as cute as can be!

In the wardrobe department, my stretchy, low-rise yoga pants aren't even an option anymore. Wearing them is terribly uncomfortable. It makes me feel ill and leaves a big [itchy!] red ridge through the bottom of my baby belly. In order to wear them comfortably, they'd have to be rolled over so many times half of my booty would be uncovered! I had begun to wonder why other girls could wear pre-pregnancy pants throughout their pregnancy, but I couldn't. When my Dr. went to measure my belly, she was shocked at how low our baby's head is inside of me. Seeing her genuine surprise at just how low I am carrying made me feel a lot less crazy (and like there is a reason my pants don't fit!)

All of this to say, my 36 week appointment was a favorite. Not only was I given the gift of a peek inside myself, but my Dr. explained that carrying so low means a lot of pressure down there. (I thought to myself, "Yeah, tell me about it, Lady.") The good news is that apparently all that pressure should be helping to expedite the process...She seems to know what she's talking about, hopefully she's right. :) 

Sometimes I feel like growing a little human is such a crazy business, but on days like today I can't get over how natural it seems to be. Again, God really knows what He's doing. :)

Blessed to be Bumpin' It. 35 Weeks.

At 35 weeks I am loving the timing of this pregnancy. God really knows what He's doing. Of all times to have a "big business" going on, I love that it's happening now, in the fall. Getting dressed is enjoyable, as long as it involves maternity leggings or my one pair of maternity jeans. (All other items such as pre-pregnancy leggings and pants are very much out of the picture. )

There's a chill in the air, a different scarf around my neck, and a cozy sweater over my baby belly each day, and I love it.

[more]Blessings for BamBam

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Central California and though it felt like summer it was the 1st of October and we were ready to celebrate life. My sis-in-law, Tracie, with the help of my MIL, hosted a shower for BamBam and I. The colors were beautiful and the invitations were adorable. :)

We played a couple of baby name games followed by a Mexican-themed lunch of carne asada in tortilla bowls with salsa and guac and, of course, cheesecake with strawberries for dessert. It was really, really yum.

And then there were gifts.

A beautiful handmade card.

I remain very excited about (and impressed by) this homemade diaper bag...

Favorite books.

 Leave it to BekahDear to remember "Big Brother Finn." :)

A super cute, soft owl pillow!

I don't think she realized it, but one of Brian's Grandmas came wearing BamBam's nursery turquoise!

Brian's sister, Julie, was unable to attend, yet she baked these little ducky cake pops and shipped them from Michigan for us to enjoy! We missed you, Julie!

My college friend, BekahDear, traveled to my shower and picked me up from the airport. It was fabulous seeing her. BekahDear, I loved our last [pre-Babe] sleepover. (Thanks for dealing with all my middle-of-the-night Tums chewing!) Miss you!

Thank you, Ladies, for this special day! It was scrumptious, entertaining, and sentimental. Thank you for bringing everyone together to celebrate our little love and for making it so much fun. 

BamBam and I were given everything from Huggies, to handmade closet [size] organizers, to Dr. Browns bottles, to "Icky Bags." I am thrilled to get all of our cool new stuff unpacked and 'moved in' to the nursery! Yet again, we have been blessed and we are thankful.