Maternity Photos. 36.5 weeks.

Thanks to my lovely friend, Wendi, of theSNAPsisters Photography, for capturing the last days of our quiet couple-ness.

Lessons in Labor.

* "False labor" can be painful, really painful, despite what they say.

* Everyone's assurance that I would just know when my contractions were real...they didn't really work out. I spent 5 nights thinking, "This is horrible. These are absolutely real. We need to leave for the hospital NOW!" Yet night after night, I was left increasingly sore and tired and with a baby still in my belly instead of my arms.

* Epidurals are truly a girl's best, best friend.

* Contrary to how fearful I was of a super drugged birth, I learned that Pitocin isn't always the enemy. In fact, a body can actually require it in order to progress beyond what was for us, a 4 centimeter road block.

* No matter how hard you try, you cannot look your best when your baby arrives. And although it's a nice idea, especially for the photo enthusiast such as myself, it is totally not the point. I wanted everything photographed. Well, everything but what was going on 'downstairs,' of course... :S I was determined to look beautiful in hospital photos. For about a week leading up to our due date I not only washed my hair daily, but styled it a couple of times per day. I was even caught in the middle of the night curling my hair between contractions. Several days into being a mama I found time to transfer all of our hospital photos from camera to computer. I was anxious to scroll through them and see what Brian had captured. My immediate response was disappointment when I saw that despite my dedication to a "photograph-able" appearance, I looked pret-ty bad by the time we entered the delivery room and documentation of the event I had so anticipated began. Then however, I looked past my hair and lack of make-up and I saw our faces as we met our baby for the first time. I was reminded of Sanders' bright, brand new eyes as he took in his world and learned the face of the mama whom he had only been able to hear for months. Each snapshot brought me back to the moment and suddenly my life's lens slid into focus. It was a new focus, a better focus, and I realized that my unkempt hair and 'naked' face suddenly seemed just right. I was a mama. My Mr. was a daddy. Together we had received everything for which we had hoped and prayed. Our gift had arrived. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and everything else was but wrapping paper, lying by, no longer the focus. 
In some ways my world is so much bigger now because there's so much beyond myself. In reality though, it's so small. 

My world is a 10 pound little someone named Sanders.

Welcome, Sanders!

Born on his due date, Tuesday, November 20, at 11:46pm, our not-so-little Sanders Liam weighed in at 9lbs 9oz and measured 22in long. With him came so much joy, more than we can begin to describe.

Sanders, we love, love, love you! It's been a week since you arrived and we still can't believe God gave you to us! We are grateful every day for the overwhelming gift of you, our "Little Big." :)

Ready As We'll Be.

This past Thursday we went in for a growth ultrasound. Today was my 38 week appointment. We were anxious for our Dr.'s feedback as well as to hear if "things" are progressing. Life isn't as comfortable as it once was and the thought of meeting our baby (aka having this baby out) is growing significantly more glamorous with each passing day.

My belly button is as inside out and "outie" as a belly button can be. The nursery is in order. The birthing ball is my new chair. (Bouncing is the new sitting.) Our bedroom has been rearranged to allow the cradle within arm's reach. The lens has been ordered. (Thank you, Hubs!!!) The hospital bags are packed. The car seat is installed. 

Of course, there is more that could be done. More meals could be stockpiled. More diapers could be purchased. There are a few lingering sewing projects and, I'm sure, more Finn hair that could be vacuumed and mopped from the trim. But we are officially as ready as we can be.

[more]Blessings for BamBam

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Central California and though it felt like summer it was the 1st of October and we were ready to celebrate life. My sis-in-law, Tracie, with the help of my MIL, hosted a shower for BamBam and I. The colors were beautiful and the invitations were adorable. :)

We played a couple of baby name games followed by a Mexican-themed lunch of carne asada in tortilla bowls with salsa and guac and, of course, cheesecake with strawberries for dessert. It was really, really yum.

And then there were gifts.

A beautiful handmade card.

I remain very excited about (and impressed by) this homemade diaper bag...

Favorite books.

 Leave it to BekahDear to remember "Big Brother Finn." :)

A super cute, soft owl pillow!

I don't think she realized it, but one of Brian's Grandmas came wearing BamBam's nursery turquoise!

Brian's sister, Julie, was unable to attend, yet she baked these little ducky cake pops and shipped them from Michigan for us to enjoy! We missed you, Julie!

My college friend, BekahDear, traveled to my shower and picked me up from the airport. It was fabulous seeing her. BekahDear, I loved our last [pre-Babe] sleepover. (Thanks for dealing with all my middle-of-the-night Tums chewing!) Miss you!

Thank you, Ladies, for this special day! It was scrumptious, entertaining, and sentimental. Thank you for bringing everyone together to celebrate our little love and for making it so much fun. 

BamBam and I were given everything from Huggies, to handmade closet [size] organizers, to Dr. Browns bottles, to "Icky Bags." I am thrilled to get all of our cool new stuff unpacked and 'moved in' to the nursery! Yet again, we have been blessed and we are thankful.

Still Lost Sometimes

As much as I prefer painting Meganville to be a place where solely happiness is felt, paint doesn't cost a dime, projects never fail, and all is well, there also must be truth. If you visit my blog with the intention of reading fun, lighthearted updates, today's post isn't for you. Go ahead and skip it, it won't hurt my feelings. In fact, I'll never even know. ;)

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the blog, It's Almost Naptime. I began following because of the adoption emphasis. Never had I so identified with another adoptive mama until today, as I tearfully read her truthful description of life-in-waiting and the ugly that it entails.
As a believer, the process of adopting is so completely intertwined in one's spiritual life. I'm sharing Missy's post because, unlike her, I haven't been able to communicate the spiritual struggle that goes hand-in-hand with the trials of the process. I had chosen to spare you until today, when reading her post ripped the scab off last month's wound and left me confused, sad, and pained all over again. Since our adoption fell through this blog has often served as my voice. Sometimes I find myself realizing things as I type them, and not a moment before. Now is one of those times. Why pretend that the journey is done or "closed" when it has left such a lasting effect throughout our life? Here's the honest truth. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could proclaim from a mountaintop that my faith is unshakable. But that would be a lie. I see God when I watch BamBam moving inside my tummy. Surprisingly, my faith is even strengthened when I notice my body growing and changing because that to me is evidence that God has blessed me. It's proof that this baby is still 'happening.' On the other hand, when I think about our adoption, I can't decipher His plan, no matter how hard I try.

It is such a comfort to know that other Christians struggle with the conflicting knowledge of the head and the emotions and questions of the heart. Like Missy, the writer of It's Almost Naptime, I know that my God is sovereign yet there are days that my sinful heart overpowers the wealth that is my Christian upbringing and what should be a stable and strong relationship with my God. I hate that my sin has the nasty power to make me doubt. I hate that in my weakness I allow life's circumstances to interfere with all that God has given me.

God has blessed me immensely. He has placed a lot of happy in my life. Despite all the good I still find myself lost, but I know to whom I belong. He has promised to renew me. He has promised that I will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31) I am a work in a progress, and not always a pretty one, but I serve an awesome God. His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect, perfect(!) in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I can't think of a better reason to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face and with energy for a new day.

A Glimpse into the Nursery

Things are movin' along in my little nest. It's become cuter, brighter, and more personalized since returning home with my 'mom car' full of shower gifts. 

I went in this morning with the intention of photographing this quilt sewn by my Aunt Janet per her request. (She had forgotten to take a pic herself after finishing it.)

 It's backed with this cute, snuggly animal flannel.

I couldn't help but snap the other details that caught my eye too...

Itsy bitsy adorable booties with a matching hat.

Aunt Barb picked out this perfect green yarn (so Meganish!) and Grandma Jane made them.

Our little library is growing and making me anxious to read to BamBam.

Eclectic hand painted canvas prints from my Soul Friend, Sam. 

My friend Erin called me from Oregon one day when she found this diaper bag on a super sale at Nordstrom's. She thought it looked like me, little did she know this was the very diaper bag I had picked out months prior and added to my registry. Impressive!

The crib is adorned thanks to shower garlands from Auntie Amy and Auntie Tess!

Tess ordered the 'For this child...' vinyl and hand painted the sign, even the chubby owls!

Meet my Podasan. It's a swing chair. (AKA the new, improved, cooler, more hip rocking chair according to me.) It will soon be hung from the ceiling. I can't wait to swing my babe to sleep in style!

Tess, I took this to prove to you that your grey washing skills are in fact perfect. (I love how light it is!) Brian had a bookshelf that fit perfectly into this little nook in the corner of the nursery. With my love for old houses and as part of my constant attempt to add character to our home, I painted it the same cream as the trim. My hope was that it would appear like a built in. When Tess was here helping me organize she adjusted the shelves in a way that was most efficient and then measured the bottom space. She had a plan. Upon returning home she handed the measurements over to her hubs who built this custom toy crate for our babe. It couldn't be a better fit and I love that it won't be one more thing sitting out, taking up floor space. Isn't it perfect?