Sunday, July 1, 2012

Letting Go

Back in November on our first Sunday since moving from Vancouver to temporary housing in Kirkland (before closing on our house) Brian and I visited a church. We had done extensive research on churches in our new area and we really liked this one and what it claimed to be. It seemed sound and we were very warmly greeted. After the sermon, we were surrounded by nice, welcoming people but one couple stuck out to us. We chatted with them about life and before we knew it the subject of kids arose. Brian and I told them about our adoption. (This was prior to being chosen.) The husband told us that they were eager to start a family, but that it just wasn't happening for them. They were casually interested in adoption, but felt no rush to jump into anything. Before leaving, Brian and the husband exchanged contact info and the four of us discussed getting together sometime. I so admired their peace and trust in God. (Baby fever is powerful!) I'll never forget the husband looking at me and saying with such surety, "It's all in God's hands and in His timing." I know God placed them in our life because at the time that was exactly the reminder I needed. (Ironically, as I write this I realize that I needed that same reminder again now.)

I was anxious to return the next Sunday but the church doesn't offer an evening service and Brian's work schedule at the time didn't allow us to attend church on Sunday AM, so realistically there was no point.

(After one failed attempt, the four of us never did manage to get together.)

We've spent the last almost 8 months struggling to find a church home. As of today, Brian's schedule has changed. He's been placed back on graveyard but this schedule allows Sunday morning church attendance, which is really exciting for us. Today we revisited that same church. It was everything I'd remembered it to be and we were happy to be back. The same couple noticed us walking into church and sat next to us in our pew. It was apparent that she is now pregnant. I spent the whole service jittery. I was overjoyed for them and I couldn't wait to hear their baby news. I wondered if they would inquire about our adoption, which made me nervous because I find it hard to talk about, but I decided I was emotionally stable and it would be fine. After church they told us they were expecting. Again my heart jumped. I asked when they were due, they quickly responded with big smiles and happy eyes, "August!" My heart fell. They are so happy. They waited patiently and God has answered their request. I wanted to rejoice with them. I wanted to tell them how excited I was when I saw her bump. I wanted to talk with them about the God we serve and his great faithfulness. All of which should have been easy to do but in my head I kept hearing, "I used to have an August baby too..."

Learning to Let Go.
There are so many little things that strike me as 'not right,' for lack of a better description.
Each time I enter the nursery I'm struck with the realization that yet again, it's time to adjust the plan. First we had planned out a single baby nursery. Then came Baby #2 and we switched rooms in order to allow enough space for two cribs. I developed a darling twin-ish plan and was well on the way to making it a reality when 'August' was removed from our life. Suddenly the room seems so big...too big...(which I am aware is funny because it isn't that big.)
When I look at the single crib, I think of it as belonging to 'August,' after all we purchased that crib back in Vancouver and tucked it away in the garage "for some day when our adopted baby came home." I'm working on accepting that God always knew who would sleep in that crib, even though I didn't.
It's hard for me to imagine placing just one crib and just one baby in the nursery, but I'll get there...

Hopes Dashed.
I had so many dreams for my babies. There were to be two, or so I thought. We were "Twice Blessed" as the upcoming baby shower invitation states so beautifully. They would grow up together. They would start out side by side in matching cribs and grow up sharing a room, toys, meals, baths, experiences. It was going to be so special. I couldn't imagine a better or more natural way to completely and fully integrate an adoption into a family. It seemed so perfect and I couldn't wait for it to be our family's story...

Blessed Truth.
We still have one baby. That's all we had asked for, after all, and God has granted our request.

Proof of Positive.
There is always a positive to be found. Sometimes you have to dig deep to discover it, but not this time. The undeniable positive brought about by all of this is that it has allowed me to enjoy the baby growing inside of me. Sadly, I now realize that I hadn't allowed myself to do so before. I was buried so deep in the adoption mindset that beyond taking prenatals, going to OB appointments, and growing a larger tummy, I wasn't giving my pregnancy, or more importantly our baby, the time of day. I thought it was a matter of prioritizing, I thought I was being logical. 'August' was coming first, I needed to think about, plan for, and fall in love with 'August.' What I didn't realize is that I was robbing Bio Babe of the love and preparation that he/she deserves just as much.

I'm anxious for time to take over and heal. I'm anxious for all these thoughts to lessen and fade and for babies due and born in August to simply be that, babies due and born in August, rather than a painful reminder. Ultimately 'August' is alive and well, safe and sound, and growing each day inside what has always been 'August's' mama. We won't get to meet, snuggle, care for, or love 'August,' but 'August' will be fine... I'm anxious to believe my own reassuring. 
I'm anxious to let go.
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