Monday, July 30, 2012

Still Lost Sometimes

As much as I prefer painting Meganville to be a place where solely happiness is felt, paint doesn't cost a dime, projects never fail, and all is well, there also must be truth. If you visit my blog with the intention of reading fun, lighthearted updates, today's post isn't for you. Go ahead and skip it, it won't hurt my feelings. In fact, I'll never even know. ;)

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the blog, It's Almost Naptime. I began following because of the adoption emphasis. Never had I so identified with another adoptive mama until today, as I tearfully read her truthful description of life-in-waiting and the ugly that it entails.
As a believer, the process of adopting is so completely intertwined in one's spiritual life. I'm sharing Missy's post because, unlike her, I haven't been able to communicate the spiritual struggle that goes hand-in-hand with the trials of the process. I had chosen to spare you until today, when reading her post ripped the scab off last month's wound and left me confused, sad, and pained all over again. Since our adoption fell through this blog has often served as my voice. Sometimes I find myself realizing things as I type them, and not a moment before. Now is one of those times. Why pretend that the journey is done or "closed" when it has left such a lasting effect throughout our life? Here's the honest truth. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could proclaim from a mountaintop that my faith is unshakable. But that would be a lie. I see God when I watch BamBam moving inside my tummy. Surprisingly, my faith is even strengthened when I notice my body growing and changing because that to me is evidence that God has blessed me. It's proof that this baby is still 'happening.' On the other hand, when I think about our adoption, I can't decipher His plan, no matter how hard I try.

It is such a comfort to know that other Christians struggle with the conflicting knowledge of the head and the emotions and questions of the heart. Like Missy, the writer of It's Almost Naptime, I know that my God is sovereign yet there are days that my sinful heart overpowers the wealth that is my Christian upbringing and what should be a stable and strong relationship with my God. I hate that my sin has the nasty power to make me doubt. I hate that in my weakness I allow life's circumstances to interfere with all that God has given me.
God has blessed me immensely. He has placed a lot of happy in my life. Despite all the good I still find myself lost, but I know to whom I belong. He has promised to renew me. He has promised that I will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31) I am a work in a progress, and not always a pretty one, but I serve an awesome God. His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect, perfect(!) in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I can't think of a better reason to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face and with energy for a new day.

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  1. Hey friend,
    Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability here. It's refreshing and a blessing to hear it. Of course you are grieving. Of course you are in pain. This is something that you've been dreaming about for years and years, and for some reason, God saw fit to take it away for right now.
    I've been thinking a lot about grieving the past few days. A close friend's daughter passed away and we are working through what grieving with hope looks like. My friend said, it's not the strength of your faith (or the consistency of it even) it's the object of your faith.
    Praying that the God of all comfort would continue to comfort you, now and in the months ahead.
    Love you.